Wednesday, August 25, 2010

What I Missed, Love, and Look Forward to...

Been awhile since this mama blogged here, just so much to do and so little time to do it in...TYPICAL TWIN MAMA STORY.  So here it is, I posted this blog topic and see nobody has posted *sad sad me*, so I will start it off.  I did a post on this on my own blog but it was just the missed part, one thing I can't do is leave it on a negative, so I will bring around where it should be... on the postive side of things.  I will try to shorten it up a bit, but the basic of it is I was exaughsted when my boys were newborns, yeah was LOL, I still am, just not to the extent I was.  One day I was looking through some photos and it just hit me like a wall, oh my how did I miss so much?  Why didn't I ask for help?  Why did I not see how much I was letting slip by me?  I just broke down into tears, I think it had to have been the saddest thing I have ever experienced.  Seems so silly to those who haven't been there, but I am sure my twin mamas will know exactally what I am talking about here!!!  So as I look through all my photos, I see photos of them as newborns in the hospital, coming home, being propped up in Bobbys, me doing some very creative double time bottle feedings, them smiling, sitting up, standing, gazing at the Christmas tree, oh how the list goes on and on, but you get the point.  I just broke down into tears and thought how on earth did I miss so much, I see it in photos and it brings it back little by little, but there is still so very much I missed out on just by not asking for help.  I was so tired, up all night, and all day just "surviving" each day and not realy enjoying it.  It was all about getting the twins cared for and keeping up with the rest, bottles washed, laundry done, and meals cooked.  Really there is only so much one person can do why in the hell didn't I just admitt I could NOT do it all alone!!!  Ugh still kicking myself for that!!!  So here I am looking at all these precious photos of my babies, and looking at them play in front of me and how big and grown they have become, and just crying like a baby.  What to do from there???  Suck it up put a smile on for my boys and join them in play, give them tons of hugs, love, and let them know this mama is going to be the best mama she can be no matter what!!!  So that was the I missed, now onto the I love!!!  What do I love about this crazy journey as a twin mama....oh so many things!  I love the way they look at me with those gogous baby blues and just smile, and give me those double hugs, after all that is one of the best things ever of being a twin mama, having four arms around you and a head on each shoulder and just feeling them love you with all they know.  And all you can do is squease back and hug them both as tights as you can and alternate smooching each of their cute lil' baby cheekers and watching them smile after each smooch!!!  I love watching them discover and learn so much, I love taking them to new places to see and interact with nature and all things around them, I love that they love me with everything they have, and though it is difficult having these two little beings so dependant on me, I love that look to me for love and making them feel safe and to teach them, really there is no way to even come close to explaining all I love, just I LOVE EVERYTHING about them!!!  Now onto what I look forward to, hmmm, well I look forward to so manyt things.  I look forward to sharing my lifes experieces with them, I can't wait to watch them grow into young men, and little brothers to Ethan, I can't wait to see them grow and for them to see where they came from, and look to their own futures, I can't wait to see them as men and have their own families to see that I have taught them.  And  I can only hope that I have tough them to be gentlemen who love and charrish their family as I have, I look forward to them growing together and forming brotherly bonds that can never be broke, and most of all I just look forward to seeing them grow into the men, that I am, as of now, working so hard to raise them to be.  This journey as a twin mama has been the greatest experience of my life, it has been rough, it has been a typical twin mama's journey!!!

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Mr. Summer....don't ever end!!!

Dear Sisters,

I remember I used to HATE summer. I hated the heat, I hated the humidity. I hated shopping for a swimsuit. ( I KNOW I am not alone with that one). I have learned to LOVE summer. My husband (the teacher) is home every day to help me! Last summer wasnt great for me. Newborn twins, and being a first time mom, I had NO clue what I was doing. I was going through PPD and later found out I got pregnant 11 weeks after the twins. ( Ok, peer pressure... but we wont go into that LOL).

I am loving every day of summer because I am able to have ADULT conversations for a change on a daily basis. I have someone who doesnt mind changing 3 poopy diapers at once living with me! I have company and companionship. I can even leave for short periods of time ALONE if I want to. But most importantly, I am without the company of my 11 year old step son who loathes me. The weight has been lifted, I feel a sense of pleasure and happiness. I can smile and be happy, without having to deal with the horrible mean drama EVERY day. What did I ever do to this precious child you ask? Nothing except marry his father and have 3 other children. See, my stepson resided with his mother for the last 10 years in another country. He would only visit the states every summer and every other christmas. So everytime he came, it was a major vacation. But as we know, "real life" isnt like that. He wasnt to happy when he came to live with us and things were reversed. Who does he take it out on? me.

As the summer winds down, I am NOT looking forward to the return of this person. I am not looking forward to the stress it will cause in my house or what it does to my husband. I wish summer could last forever. But reality is setting in and I need to find alternative ways to deal with the hatred this child has for me and for these 3 innocent babies. I need to be at peace with myself and my life. I love this child and although he harbors such loathing for me, I must remember that even though it hurts, he is still someone's child. Never in my whole life did I ever think someone would refer to ME as a wicked stepmother!

Fun Times on the Phone

I had a great time last night talking Tina :) It was finally good to really have a decent chat with a fellow twin Mama. We talkeda about hard it was raising twins, and that though we love our kids there are times we wish to go back to the carefree days of single life or married life without kids. I know I have friends that have kids, but to have twins is a different ballgame as we all have come to find out, and though we love our kids very much it can be so taxing to your individuality, to your relationships with other friends (non twin mamas), and relationship with your SO. Having each other is so important, having the ability to speak out how you feel and have someone "Really" know what you are talking about is so wonderful. I am thankful for getting to know other twin mamas online, its my source of sanity!

I think we should really thinkg about getting together, even if we have to make the annual Twins Convention in Twinsburg our meeting place, I think it would be great to work on meeting one day. I know for myself the thought of travelling with twins is crazy but i think in hte end it would be great. I know it was just so great to talk to Tina finally, after all the textings and talking on facebook its just nice to finally get to talk and laugh and compare war stories. Have fun camping Tina!!! I know you'll come back with tons of photos to share :)


Friday, August 6, 2010

More than Ever

Dear Twin Mamas,

Wow! The last few weeks have been tough for me. I don't really want to go into details here, but you all know what is going on. Man, just when I think I have a few things figured out, life just flips my script. I guess that is why this Twin business is not for sissies. I just wanted to thank you all again, because I have needed you more than ever, and you have been there for me, like always. I really wish that we were closer because I could use the real life support now too. I just feel a bit lost at times, kinda like we all were in the first few months of this journey. Pull me in.
Love you Mamas,

Thursday, August 5, 2010

So this is what sleep feels like

For the past couple of nights the Twincesses and their 3 yr old brother have been sleeping through the night. I have not had a full 8 hours sleep in years since Xavier has always been a bad sleeper. Finally, though, they are all sleeping which means I'm sleeping and I feel like a new person!

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Bundles of Joy

Well here is one of the latest photos of the kids, I have to say I am not as good as Tina or Heather about posting pictures of my kids. I do have many to post but just never get around to doing it cause I have always resize in order to post; guess that what keeps me from doing it! This past year has been alot of fun, but I regret that due to PPD I missed out alot on their first few months. I was so depressed and overwhelmed having twins that I didn't take time to cherish alot of their "firsts" and we also were dealing with my husbands ex and his kids that life was just being sucked out of me. Now, I enjoy the kids alot more though they are at daycare for a good portion of the day, i think I now have a better hold on how to deal with them when they are home. I didn't want them to spend so much time away, but I am the one working and my husband who has been laid off since the kids were born decided to go back to school, so he needed time to study; thus the decision for daycare. I guess I feel guilty about it, after hearing about those that are SAHM (whom I admire) I wonder if I should not be doing the same thing, and will I regret later down the road missing out on stuff. Though as hectic as being a SAHM of twins can be, I do read alot of the adventures (good and bad) of those whom do have their kids all day, it's something they will remember about their children growing up.

Anywho, I do have mixed emotions and I do know once my husband lands a decent job that I may decide to go back to school part-time as I want to do ultrasound technician; I think it would be a blast telling others they are going to have twins or more! I just hope in the end the kids will look back and know about the sacrafice we have made for them, and they don't hold a grudge having to have gone to daycare at such an early age; although they love going now, it's like BYE BYE Momma...we want to play! I look forward to reading the other posts here and having fun with fellow Twin Mama's!


Thanks Tina, I can finally post on here. I will get some pictures up and come up with something crazy to blog about, shouldn't be hard as we are all mama's of twins; crazy is our middle names!

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

We are off and rolling...

We are getting off to a slow but sure start!!!  I am so excited to see where this blog leads us, and can't wait to look back on this in a year or so.  In just the few stories we have added shows what we have all met to each other, and just how much of a bond we have all formed.  Today while on facebook, I saw some pictures posted from one of you, and I did a double take, I saw toddlers!!!  I hit me then it has been over a year since most of us started sharing our stories and support to each other, and our twins are no longer babies, then the sadness hit.  Why sadness?  I am so happy that I have had the opportunity to get to know all of you and your families, but this hit me as sad because we have all shared so much and we have all watched each others twins grow and experience their first year, but yet have never got to meet!  I can see all of our twins and all of us meeting in one grand and great looking group *smile*, I truly get goose bumps when I think of the reality of it.  What a spectacular site that would be all of us and our families together!!!  Well mamas this is my goal, and I am serious when I say I will put all my efforts into making this happen.  I will brainstorm and try to think of ways to make it happen, heck I will beg and tell sob stories to get our story out there and get somebody to help us make this happen!!

The long road

In December of 2008 I got the news that we would be expecting 2 babies instead of the one we had planned on. I spent the rest of my pregnancy trying to come to terms with this and on July 3rd, 2009 I delivered my beautiful twincesses Madison and Makenzie. Nothing I had experienced before could prepare me for the journey I was about to begin. After months of sleepless nights and crying for hours, me not the babies, I logged onto my computer searching for help. I was fortunate enough to come across Got Twins, a group of moms who are in all stages of twindom offering support to one another. Finally someone who understands, finally someone who has been there and most importantly finally someone who has survived which means I can too. When all of my friends hit the road because I was just too busy to hang out I always knew there would be someone I could relate to waiting on the other end of my computer. I have never met any of you in person but you are all now what I consider to be my greatest rock on stormy days. I know more about your family's, your children and your daily struggles than I do anyone in real life and I thank you all for being there in my darkest hours. I have survived the first year and am enjoying watching my little darlings morph into patience testing toddlers, and most importantly I am glad I have someone out there to appreciate when I post a bajillion pictures!