Sunday, September 26, 2010

What I missed, love, and look forward to

Call me crazy, but I miss being pregnant. People treat you better. The bigger my belly got, the more doors were opened for me, strangers offered to carry my things, and I had a great excuse to take it easy.

My husband and I battled infertility for two years. I wanted a child more than anything and obsessed about it constantly. Month after month of testing early just in case this time it actually happened, followed by intense disappointment and anger that my body was inadequate. I had testing done, found out that I was hyper-ovulating and also had cysts on my ovaries. After taking clomid for four months, we were finally expecting. We learned it was twins at my 10 week appointment, and I don't think the shock has ever really gone away.

I can't say that I miss my life I had before the twins. Most days I cannot remember life without them, and I don't think I want to. They have brought so much joy and completeness into our lives.

What I love about our life as a family with multiples is the everyday feeling of being extraordinary. There is not much that intimidates us! We play, we travel, we seek out new adventures and the twins enhance every aspect our lives. They have strengthened our communication and teamwork as a married couple. Don't get me wrong, we have had our ups and downs, but we are better for the challenges we have endured together.

I really am looking forward to with our twins is the next stage in their development. My Kara and Kal-El will turn two in less then two months. Our friends have warned us about the "terrible twos" but we are ready for it! Temper tantrums, potty training, unyielding selfishness, and the constant discovery of the world around them-- its going to be exciting times!

Thursday, September 23, 2010

What I Missed, Love and Look forward to

To my Liam and Elijah,
From the moment the pregnancy stick came out positive, I knew my life would never be the same. I knew that I would have to sacrifice myself in order for you to thrive and grow into wonderful men. At the time I imagined a life of being overwhelmed by a single baby. I wasn't sure how I was going to do it. A few weeks later, we saw two heartbeats and that changed everything.
I do miss going out on dates with your father just for fun, or going on trips out of nowhere. Your father and I would make 7 Eleven stops and binge on crap food and play video games all night. We would sleep in, go to work, go to school and be together. I do miss that alone time with him but I would give that all up in an instance just to have you. In the back of my mind when we found out that we were having twins was that I knew I would be huge. I would constantly tell your father that when I do get pregnant I would workout and stay thin. Little did I know that I would in the ER at 3 in the morning at 11 weeks pregnant since there was a threaten miscarriage. I should have miscarried that day, yet God allowed me to keep you safe inside. After that, no more working out. I miss my prepregnancy body, I should have appreciated it, but I didn't. Yet knowing I carried you both for so long, I gladly give you my body as well.
The things that I sometimes miss does not compared to what I have right now. I am completely in love with you both. Liam, from the day you were born you explored the world. You opened your eyes and had an amazement look to your face. You are still the same. You take the leap and try new things. It may come at the cost of bruises but you are so determined. I love that you enjoy exploring and I love seeing your face light up when something new has presented itself. Elijah the day you were born, you were very quiet and content. You would open your eyes here and there but it was always a treat. As you grew, your father and I saw that you would observe rather than do. You would watch Liam try new things and get hurt, then once he mastered his new ability, you would just do it perfectly without any issues. I love giving you new things and seeing you examine it and study it. I love holding the both of you and have you both hold me tight. I love coming into your bedroom in wee hours of night and seeing you stir. I stand there and you open your eyes and see me then give me a huge smile. I put your quilt on you and your drift back to sleep. I love it when you want me to hold you until you fall asleep. I love it when you play with me or give me five. I just love being with you and showing you this world that God blessed us with.
I cannot wait to put you both in a soccer team. Your father played for many years and hopes to coach your team. We look forward to taking you to the park and just being a family. I am looking forward to the day when you say, "I love you." I know that we will have our ups and downs through life, but remember that no matter what, your mother loves you.

Where has the time gone

This week back in September 2008 I was praying and hoping that this was the month that I would get pregnant. I was not ovulating so my doctor put me on 1 round of Clomid to see if it would make me ovulate and make my periods return to normal so we could get pregnant. I remember taking those pills and telling DH that the was an increased chance of multiples and we really did not want twins as we already had 2 children and this was to be our 3rd and last child, so we decided not to have sex this month just to be sure. Well in a very drunken state we forgot our pact, so as September came to an end I was sad thinking another month with a big fat negative. To our surprise that one night would change our lives forever. I can remember this September/October of that year so vividly and then it is all a blur.

Those 9 months seemed like the longest 9 months of my life. The last month of my pregnancy seemed like an eternity and 38 weeks would never ever get here but May 27, 2009 did arrive and it all began. Well here I am 16 months later and I cannot believe how fast time has gone by. Their second Thanksgiving is coming up, second Halloween, second Christmas is all fastly approaching and it feels like it should be their first holidays. It feel like when I wake up tomorrow it will be their 2nd birthdays already. This blog is a reminder to myself to slow things down, watch my little boys grow and not be so impatient for them to reach milestones.

Brothers and Books

While folding laundry a few days ago, I noticed that they boys weren't making any noise. That usually means they are up to some kind of mischief. But this time, they had both climbed into the big reclining chair to read books together. So sweet!!! I had to stop and take some pictures. The laundry could wait. :)

Monday, September 20, 2010

49lbs of adorableness

Today someone said something that I think about a lot. "I wonder what it would be like to only have one baby."

I usually think about this when I take the babies out in public by myself. Do you know how heavy a double jogging stroller is?? Especially when it's crammed in the trunk of a Hyundai Elantra. Lately though every once in awhile I get to leave it behind.

The babies are great walkers now. They love walking around you can see how free and independent they feel. I don't let them walk around parking lots much at all. Really, I only allow it when we are in small parking lots to and from parks.

So we sort of have a routine down. First I go to Ty's side and put on his Elmo harness, then he gets to walk over with me to Lexi's side. He REALLY likes tires so that usually keeps him occupied until I get her out. She refuses to walk just sits and cries and it makes me sad so I carry her. Then we slooowwwlly let Ty walk into the playground area.

This process takes about 15 minutes. Gravel and sidewalks are very fascinating to a 17 month old. Finally we make it to the gate and I can let them free and then spend 45-60 min chasing them in opposite directions trying to keep them from running up the stairs and falling and breaking their necks. Such as today when Lexi did have a bit of a tumble but she was ok just scared and luckily another mom grabbed Ty before he ran up the stairs on the other side of the playstructure.

Finally when it's time to go I have to convince them to leave as you can imagine getting to the car is much much harder than getting out. Usually it ends with me lugging a baby under each arm across the parking lot. (like today!) And when that happens it's usually when I think jeez it must be nice to just have to lug 26lbs of baby around... BUT I still wouldn't trade my 49lbs of baby for all the non-aching backs in the world.

Hi Lexi where is your brother?

Oh wait there he is, Ty ...Ty..... Come back here!

It's not a scavenger hunt.

An entire generation went on the road to find themselves. I've read some of their work, and I think they failed. They seem pretty dang lost to me.

Life isn't about finding yourself. It's true, though, that sometimes we can lose sight of who we are. Life is unpredictable, and we are easily distracted. We get caught up. We get turned around to the point that we actually believe our means to be our objectives. We define ourselves by outside events. We make false arguments against our own authenticity, and we feel that because we are living in a way that we couldn't have predicted, we have lost some vital part of ourselves.

We haven't lost ourselves. We are simply not recognizing how our selves fit into this new setting. Regardless of what is happening to us, we cannot deny who we are. We are enduring. We are strong. And a gem is a gem, whether it is still encased in igneous stone, or buried in the bed of a stream, or cut into a thousand facets that catch the light.

Finding the gem is one thing. But taking it from rough stone to polished beauty--that's another. It is the supreme act of life to allow the circumstances in which we find ourselves, tumbled and sometimes broken, ground and polished--to bring out of us the treasure that is there. To reflect light and color like a precious stone, whatever our setting.

Life isn't about finding yourself... life is about creating yourself.

Having children changes changes you forever.

Sometimes you feel as if you lose yourself to being just a mom. Sometimes you feel as if your life revolves around all things children. And if you answer honestly, it usually does.

I love being a mom. I feel as if it was what I was meant to be doing with my life. I have my ups and downs in this occupation, but overall, I feel I do a darn good job. However, there was a point where I felt like, I'm just a mom.

And then, I realized. I'm still me. I found I was created into a new and improved version of myself:

I'm a nurturer. Every day I hug, love, hold, kiss and care for three little beings. I have been entrusted with their lives and I couldn't be more honored to be the one to love them.

I have patience in situations with my children that would make a grown man cry.

I'm strong. Physically and mentally I work day in and day out. I never call a sick day. I never take a vacation.

I can achieve my goals: I decided to run a half-marathon after having my twins and started training when they were 7 weeks old. When they were 7 months old I completed the Carlsbad Half-Marathon. I didn't walk an inch.

I'm beautiful: I was devastated by what I saw in the mirror after having my children. But now when I look at myself I appreciate what I see: I don't have a perfectly flat stomach, I have little lines around my eyes when I laugh. Things have changed but I see the admiration in my husband's eyes when he looks at me and I love hearing my four year old say: Mommy you look like a princess! How could I wish to look differently when the people I love the most think I'm beautiful?

So yes, I found, I'm a mom. Just a mom and I absolutely love it.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Life isn't about finding yourself, life is about creating yourself...

For months after the twins were born I focused on all the things I could no longer do, the list was a mile long, no me time, no just up and going to the store, no one on one time with my oldest, no time for just me and hubby, no more sewing, no more scrap booking, no more so many things.  I felt lost, so unbelievable lost, to the point I would just cry and I didn't even recognize myself any longer.  I made myself so unhappy, yes I MADE myself that way, nobody else, it wasn't having the twins, it wasn't all the things I could no longer do, the freedom I had lost, it was me having it stuck in my head that I had LOST myself.  I lived in the slump for months, I blogged about it, I hung on it like a crutch, then I woke up.  Silly how really, I was messing on my personal blog and found a button with a quote on it, "Life isn't about finding yourself, life is about creating yourself".  I caught my eye, I sat and pondered it for a bit, then I snapped out of it, what the hell was I thinking.  Seriously was I nuts, here I am with three kids, almost 30-years-old, I have no time to be lost, I have no time or the right to sit and pity myself.  It is crazy to have something like having two precious babies come into the world at the same time turn my world upside down, well it's okay to say they did that *laugh*, but I can't let it get in my head that I have somehow lost myself because of it.  Time to suck it up, be the tough mama, and come to terms with the fact that "my" life has taking a turn, at turn for something different and better.  Why live in all the I cant's, and why say I am lost?  I can't be lost, where was my final destination?  That is the thing, there is no final destination, there is no road map of life saying this is your route, and this is who you are, everything you do changes your path.  So as a mother of one child who was pretty self-sufficient to a mother of three, two of which are babies, my life has changed its path, I have two more little ones to take on my life's journey.  What a wonderful opportunity I have, time to stop wasting time feeling sorry for myself, time to start creating myself.  It was then in that moment things got easier, I decide to do things for my future and stop dwelling on things of the past.  I did some soul searching and came to terms with who I was and who I want to become,  things I want to accomplish as a mom, wife, and as a woman.  Sometimes we forget that we are not just moms, we are woman, individuals who have our own dreams and aspirations outside of being a mother.  Yes everything we do falls back on our families in the end, but bettering our personal selves, betters us as mothers as well.  Months later I am here pursuing my dreams I had long given up on when I stepped into the roll of mom, and I am a better and happier person for it.  No longer do I feel lost, I feel like I am creating myself day by day, each step I take is a step forward for me, and for my children.  There are moments I do miss things in the past, but I am not lost, I am just reflecting on the past and how it brought me to this point today, and what I have learned from it, and how it has left a permanent imprint and has played a part in creating who I am today and who I will be in days to come.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

How to let go anger

I am so trying to let go my anger, but I find myself still trapped by it. I find myself more like my mother every day, and anger ate her soul up literally. Here's my beef: My DH has two kids from a previous marriage, and I really was open to them and including them in alot of stuff trying to really make a bond. His daughter decided to turn her back on her dad and let the ex tell her stuff that was not true and thus she has and doesnt want anything to do with us, despite all our efforts of trying to make things good. My DH has decided to keep her away from our lives due to the vicious lies she created (along with the ex) and almost caused great chaos for my husband. Now, his son was cool and I got along great with him UNTIL he started dating and chose to marry someone JUST LIKE HIS MOTHER, no kidding she is exactly like the ex very very controlling! I tried to make peace with it, though I could see he knew he got himself into a very bad relationship but when you are 18 you are trying to prove yourself against the world, again both my husband and I tried very hard to talk some reasoning into him, to no avail! When we found out about the beans, we allowed both Daniel and Sarah to be apart of the pregnancy, Sarah (Daniel's wife) even went to my U/S appointments. After the beans were born things were okay, but I had raging PPD and they expected us to drop things like we used to do in the past to do things for them. Now, that we had the kids both of them starting copping an attitude saying to my dh, "you only have time for the babies, not for us." I was livid, HELLO we have newborn twins of course we are going to spend more time with them, and you are 18 and 19 and are adults...get a freaking clue! Well, to make a long story short it came to head one day when they wanted my dh to drop everything to do their brakes on the car, he told Daniel to bring the car by at a time convenient for us...GOD FORBID, but that was just too much, we needed to do it when they wanted us to do it. So, it all blew up and dh got on the phone with Daniel telling him wth is wrong with you, why are you acting that which Daniels says, "You never did anything to help me out Dad, all you do is be around Kelli and those babies all the time, you never have time for me anymore!" My dh hit the roof, and the argument began and then Daniel basically told my dh, "I dont want you or need you in my life, you can just stay out of it and go "F" yourself." That was over a year ago, the kids were about 3mths old. Now, a year later Daniel texted my husband after not talking for over a year wanting to start talking again, but never apologized at least not fully because in his last email to us "I have no remorse for what I have said, I said what I believe and I will not ever apologize," yea the little pisher said that to my husband. So, I could have blocked the little monster cause I am the owner of both cell lines but I didnt...oh I did want to believe me, but I decided I won't go down that road.

Now, today my husband is doing his army duty and they are having family day. It's way too far for me to drag the kids for a stupid party that will last maybe 2hrs...we live like 3hrs away. So, he invited his son to go over there since he lives by where the party is going to be. I told Scott he better make sure he clears the air with Daniel and let him know that I am still pissed off, I still have anger over what he told us and it's not about to go away anytime soon. I know harboring anger is not good, but I just cannot let myself let it go. See, I lost my mother when I was 15, she chose to suicide and I miss her sooo much and I would KILL to have my mother around. Now my mother did some crazy stuff to me as a kid, emotionally and some physical abuse (not sexual) but still I would have never ever told my mother to "f" off or that she didn't do things for me, EVER!!! This is where I hold my grudge, cause now being a parent I know the sacrafice it takes to be one, and to have some little punk kid and his wife tell my DH that he never did anything for them ( just a note, Daniel's wife Sarah had lived with my DH before they got married, she lived 9mths RENT FREE and ate up all the food, jacking up the energy bill) I just can't let it go. So, while he is there having lunch with his son, I am stewing at home...though the kids keep me busy, I now have time to THINK about it. I just hope my dh puts the little brat straight, and I hope he knows that he and I will square off one day and I will make sure he knows what an ASS he has been to his father! Honestly, I just wonder wth did you do to raise such bratty ass kids? Seriously! Both kids are so self centered, all about them and if it's not my way its the highway, and I will drag you down if I can just to toy with you attitude...I AM DONE! I told DH that I really dont want them to ever be around the kids, seriously I dont need that attitude rubbing I wrong? Perhaps in time I will allow myself to heal this wound...and I am so trying but it's very hard. I guess it's because Daniel is not my kid, though I think if even the twins tried this crap on me, i'd backhand them back to reality and quick.

So as I am writing this my dh texted me saying he told Daniel that he and his wife needs to apologize for their behavior...YEA RIGHT. I dont expect an apology and that is fine by me, cause honestly I dont need the drama. I am better off without it in my life, I'll have enough as the kids get older! Anywho, thanks for letting me vent...this is better than me driving 2hrs and knocking both of them upside their heads. :)


Tuesday, September 7, 2010


There are things I miss from my life before the boys were born. I had raised four kids to some level of independence--my youngest was 9--and finally I had the freedom to come and go as I chose (between 9 am and 3 pm). Often, I chose to be in a classroom somewhere, standing in for a regular teacher. Pay was a pittance but it added up; I had a list of things on which I would spend it. Other days, I chose to be out in my kayak on the lake, or on my bike. Today I'm too broad for my kayak's narrow cockpit, and my Haro has been replaced by a Trek that is friendlier to my aging and wearing body but makes me feel like Pee Wee Herman.

I miss my old body.

Some of the things I miss are from after the boys were born. People will think I'm crazy, but I miss the questions. I get a lot fewer of them now that the boys are older. I loved going shopping and stopping every twenty steps to answer those questions and to tell my story.

I love telling stories.

But I have never been the kind of mother who looked back longingly and with regret at the stages my children had left behind. I'm too busy watching their discoveries and looking forward with excitement to the wonders ahead of them.

I love the way they share everything--pacifiers, bites of dinner, hugs. That's one of the stages they are in right now. Each is always looking to see what the other is doing. They bring each other their blankets or their teddy bears or their jackets.

I love their differences. Jesse is all about the physical stuff--splash it, dig it, push it, throw it, punch it, chase it. Jonathan is focused on mimicry and words. He learns a new word every time I breathe, it seems.

I love that when they want an animal--cat, dog, goat or horse--to come to them, they reach out their arms, open and close their hands, and make a clucking noise with their tongues, utterly convinced that the animal only needs to know their wishes. I love that enough animals respond exactly as they expect, by coming to them, that they think these motions and these noises carry some kind of magic. They don't know that Gradpa's goats expect grain, that the horse suspects there's an apple in their Daddy's pocket, that the neighbor's cat is used to being fed by their sister.

They think it's them, grasping and clucking. And the animals haven't let them down.

I love watching their older siblings play, cuddle, and read with them. And here's another thing I miss--I miss the grown boys, who are working far away and not here where I can see their tenderness and interest in these two little brothers no one expected.

I'm looking forward to the next time they are all together, this half-dozen of mine. I look forward like a child to Christmas, when we will all be home. I want to look around at all their faces, the almost-men and the babies and the girl and boy between, and hear their voices tangling round each other in their energy and enthusiasm. To hear them teasing and cajoling each other, laughing together. To see the gracious spirits I was promised in the glow of starry lights and the warmth of home.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

What I miss, what I love, and what I am looking forward to

I miss being pregnant, looking back now as much as I hated the constant questions I actually miss them. I miss that I never took pictures of my belly and that daddy forgot to bring the camera into the OR for your birth. I miss my newborn twins and all their cuddles.

I love being a mother of multiples. It gives you a feeling not many people can understand. watching them play together, interact in a way most toddlers don't, watching them snuggle, watching them run through the house looking for each other if they think to much time has passed since they last saw each other.

I am looking forward to when the twins curiosity doesn't equal destruction, I am not sure my computer or my husbands can handle any more curiosity. I am looking forward to winter because although the twins were around for winter last year they were still around 6 months and to young to take staking, sledding, snow angels, making snowmen, and just playing in the yard in the snow and I can't wait to see their reactions.

Saturday, September 4, 2010

What I Missed, Love and Look Forward To...

What I missed

Before I had you, I lost two sweet babies. I was never able to truly relax and enjoy the pregnancy because I always thought: what if it happens again? For that, I’m sorry Max. I’m sorry Madeline.

You had to share from the moment you were in my tummy and when you entered the world, your time with me had to be shared with each other and sweet big sister. For that, I’m sorry Madeline. I’m sorry Max.

I tend to see the two of you as a pair. For my own sanity, I put you on the same sleeping and eating schedule. You never had a chance to be your own baby. For that, I’m sorry Max. I’m sorry Madeline.

What I love

That even though I feel guilty about too little time with each of you, I couldn’t imagine my life any other way than it is now. The experience of being a mom to twins is one I wouldn’t trade for the world. It has taught me so much about my own strength and determination.

I love that you both have taught me children are forgiving and forever loving; even to an imperfect mom like me.

I love that you were the two little people God chose to complete our family.

What I look forward to…

Every day with my dear Madeline is a gift.
I look forward to seeing your sweet smile and hearing your husky laugh every day. Watching you as you watch me. When you put your pouty lip out, you always make sure I notice. I do. I always notice you.

As you grow…
I look forward to seeing you experience all new things life has to offer you. I cherish each day that I see you growing, thriving and living on this Earth.

Every day with my sweet Max is a little piece of heaven.
I look forward to seeing your bright eyes; shining with delight and love for all those around you. Right now you think I hung the moon…the feeling is most definitely mutual. I love the moments through out the day where you look up at me with your beautiful smile; checking to make sure I’m still there. I’ll always be there for you.

As you grow…
I look forward to seeing you explore the world around you and watching you as you learn about everything and anything that interests you. I adore being your Mommy, now and forever.

I look forward to our life and continuously being awestruck by you both, my sweet Wonder Twins.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

What I Missed, Love and Look forward to

First off sorry Tina! It's been sooooo long not only here but on my own as well :( But here I am adding to you topic :)

What I missed... While I was preggo with the twinners, I missed so much just going out and about, being comfortable, keeping food down (!), I missed going out for that drink after work, I missed alot because I was stuck at home all by myself at night and if I did too much I paid by having the worst contractions ever! Then my beautiful babies came and I forgot about all that I missed... now at 9 months I miss my babies! They aren't cute little squishes anymore (but they aren't toddlers either). They stand up and don't hold on to stuff anymore... I miss them just sitting there LOL They just want to move! While looking at the pictures to send to Heather I couldn't help but get all choked up... Do you ladies know how long it's been since I looked at those pictures?! It made me sooo sad, not just because of how small and full of IV's, tubes, and wires they were but that they are huge now and won't stop growing! Those first months were hard but looking back they did go sooo fast. It's nice to see the new twin mamas dealing with no sleep because we all have been there, done that. Now they know :P I just try and keep reminding them that this will past and that they grow before their eyes...

What I love... I love playing in the baby cage with the kids everyday. I love the way they climb all over me like I'm a jungle gym. I love the way Dexter kisses and kisses and kisses! I love the way he kisses Ella and she instantly cries... and the way she will sometimes sneak in a kiss of her own. I love the fun we have everyday when we go wake daddy up. All 4 of us on a king sized bed. The kids patting(pounding) daddy to wake up and giggle when he opens his eyes. I love that they are getting more and more independent (I know that doesn't make sense with what is written above!) and just growing. All the neat stuff they learn everyday... I love how they call for me all the time! Mum mum mum... yup that's me! I LOVE HOW THEY SLEEP THROUGH THE NIGHT! Who would have ever thought I would love that!?!

What I look forward too... I look forward to the day that we can spend all day doing art projects, cook, really play in the park (not just playing on swings!), and most of all when they really play together! I look forward to the day they talk and understand each other. I can not wait for when they tell me what they want in even the simplest of words. I'm waiting for the day (that's coming soo!!) when we can all lay in the grass and play, rake up leaves and throw them in! There really is just so much to look forward to that it's hard to dwell on the things I missed till it catches up with you one day.