Sunday, September 19, 2010

Life isn't about finding yourself, life is about creating yourself...

For months after the twins were born I focused on all the things I could no longer do, the list was a mile long, no me time, no just up and going to the store, no one on one time with my oldest, no time for just me and hubby, no more sewing, no more scrap booking, no more so many things.  I felt lost, so unbelievable lost, to the point I would just cry and I didn't even recognize myself any longer.  I made myself so unhappy, yes I MADE myself that way, nobody else, it wasn't having the twins, it wasn't all the things I could no longer do, the freedom I had lost, it was me having it stuck in my head that I had LOST myself.  I lived in the slump for months, I blogged about it, I hung on it like a crutch, then I woke up.  Silly how really, I was messing on my personal blog and found a button with a quote on it, "Life isn't about finding yourself, life is about creating yourself".  I caught my eye, I sat and pondered it for a bit, then I snapped out of it, what the hell was I thinking.  Seriously was I nuts, here I am with three kids, almost 30-years-old, I have no time to be lost, I have no time or the right to sit and pity myself.  It is crazy to have something like having two precious babies come into the world at the same time turn my world upside down, well it's okay to say they did that *laugh*, but I can't let it get in my head that I have somehow lost myself because of it.  Time to suck it up, be the tough mama, and come to terms with the fact that "my" life has taking a turn, at turn for something different and better.  Why live in all the I cant's, and why say I am lost?  I can't be lost, where was my final destination?  That is the thing, there is no final destination, there is no road map of life saying this is your route, and this is who you are, everything you do changes your path.  So as a mother of one child who was pretty self-sufficient to a mother of three, two of which are babies, my life has changed its path, I have two more little ones to take on my life's journey.  What a wonderful opportunity I have, time to stop wasting time feeling sorry for myself, time to start creating myself.  It was then in that moment things got easier, I decide to do things for my future and stop dwelling on things of the past.  I did some soul searching and came to terms with who I was and who I want to become,  things I want to accomplish as a mom, wife, and as a woman.  Sometimes we forget that we are not just moms, we are woman, individuals who have our own dreams and aspirations outside of being a mother.  Yes everything we do falls back on our families in the end, but bettering our personal selves, betters us as mothers as well.  Months later I am here pursuing my dreams I had long given up on when I stepped into the roll of mom, and I am a better and happier person for it.  No longer do I feel lost, I feel like I am creating myself day by day, each step I take is a step forward for me, and for my children.  There are moments I do miss things in the past, but I am not lost, I am just reflecting on the past and how it brought me to this point today, and what I have learned from it, and how it has left a permanent imprint and has played a part in creating who I am today and who I will be in days to come.

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