Friday, March 25, 2011

Our Baby's Journey

In the middle of the biggest upheaval of our marriage we discovered that we were expecting. HUGE surprise to say the least. We thought that it was impossible to conceive without medical intervention. We had been throwing caution to the wind as we were focusing on getting our marriage and family put back together. One of the most important part being rekindling our love life. And along came baby.

I had spotting days before my missed period, but the nagging oh-so-familiar symptoms made it impossible to ignore. The nausea, the vomiting, the exhaustion, the headaches, the "I can smell everything from a mile away", the constant need to pee. So we went together to pick up a pregnancy test.

The lines showed up immediately, nowhere close to that required 3 minute wait. I showed it to my hubby who was in total disbelief. It sent him into a panic attack, followed by a "Are you sure??" So, I took another one and immediately gave it to him so the lines could magically appear before his eyes. We knew we were in the fight of our lives for our marriage and not sure what it would mean to bring a new baby into the mix.

After 5 days of spotting and occasional cramping, I called to speak to a nurse, who was very kind and offered a solution. I was sent to have my blood drawn. The next day I called to find out my hCG levels were over 6000. Normal range (on the high end) for being 4 weeks along is about 450 something. I panicked.

Could this be ANOTHER set of twins?! My g/b twins were currently 28 months old. My new due date was 5 days before their 3rd birthday. I knew my chances of having another set are 1 in 12, but I didn't think it would ever happen, after all we didn't use fertility drugs this time. So, I called the nurse back.

I was sent in to my first ultrasound at 4 weeks 5 days. The ultrasound tech kindly explained as she was taking measurements- here is your bladder, your uterus, your cervix, your ovaries, this is what the gestational sac looks like, this is a subchorionic bleed which is why you have been spotting.... and then she stopped talking and took measurement after measurement after measurement. Concluding with, "Its just too early" and told me to come back in a week.

I left that u/s with so many questions. Will the bleeding lead to a miscarriage? Why wouldn't she answer me when I asked how many were in there? Why does she want to see me so soon again? Am I having triplets? Why did they send me in so soon if they couldn't tell me anything? I was upset.

The spotting continued. I had been advised to not lift anything heavy. Gone were the days of lugging my twins up and down the stairs and began refusing to pick both up together when they begged for hugs. We explained the best we could that there was a baby in mommy tummy and she couldn't carry them. So, they began to come up and kiss my belly and say, "Hi baby!" It touched my heart.

Another week passes and I go to my second ultrasound. By this time dh had told all his friends and even posted on FB that we were adding to our family. The outpour of love was overwhelming, but I was hesitant and wanted to confirm with that beautiful sound of hearing the heartbeat for the first time. I had said next to nothing to my friends. A decision I would regret later.

The second u/s was much quicker than the first. I clearly saw only one baby. But there was a significant area covered with the subchorionic bleed that I wondered if it was hiding another one. The tech once again was quiet and I started prodding for answers. Turned out I was measuring a little small. No big deal in my mind, maybe I just ovulated later than I thought. She then found a heartbeat, but reacted in a way I did not expect. She told me that it was inconclusive if the heartbeat belonged to the baby or me. At that time, told me to come back once again in another week.

So, began another week of waiting, wondering, worrying, and wanting answers. The persistent spotting started to get on my nerves, yet I was thankful for every day that my pregnancy symptoms were undeniable. We had decided to take some time for "pelvic rest" just in case, and it was taking its toll on our newly awakened love life. I was counting down the days to my next u/s to see if there was any improvement to the subchorionic bleed.

Finally, my 3rd u/s came along. It was St. Patrick's day and I was thinking of clever ways to announce the findings of a thriving healthy baby. Maybe I could take a video with my phone to share with people? Maybe they would give me a picture print out that I could show others? Maybe I should call my dh at work so he could hear himself what was going on?

It was done in a location I have never been on the other side of town. I got lost on my way there and was flustered that I was so late. I was feeling incredibly nauseaus, and was hoping I wouldn't vomit in the middle of the scan. The new tech was hard for me to understand. A mumbler. Great. She didn't say much at all, just the occasional questions like, "Are you sure your dates are correct?" and "What exactly were you told at your last u/s?" I couldn't see the screen. This new room was small and cramped and her head was right where I would have been able to see the tiny blob of my future baby. After several frustrating minutes, she left the room and informed me that she was going to get a dr. to review the information.

My heart sank. They only get the dr. if something is not alright. I wanted to cry, I wanted to scream, I wanted to throw up. I felt so overwhelmed, but then realized how all of my crazy symptoms were all still there. There HAS TO be a reason I still felt pregnant.

The Dr. came in and gently explained that there wasn't a heartbeat detected and there looks as if there had been no significant growth in the past week. "It looks as if you are going to miscarry." She told me what to expect and what my options were and that I should come back in two weeks to follow up. And that was all. As she turned to leaved I asked why I still had symptoms. She told me that sometimes it takes days, sometimes weeks for fetal tissue to be expelled and I should expect some symptoms as the products of pregnancy were still present.

The only appointment time I was able to get into see this first and only dr. I have had contact with would be in 3 weeks. That seemed like an eternity away. Heartbroken, I called my husband who immediately left work to come home and comfort me. I didn't want to mourn. I had to keep busy.

I jumped right into my work, preparing for a parenting seminar I was to teach that weekend, followed by a high energy children's presentation and a leadership meeting. I hit the ground running and didn't stop. I had to keep my mind busy. I had to have other things to focus on. And then Monday came. My day off.

I woke up with the worst morning sickness I have had yet. I had not experienced any bleeding or cramping or any sign that my symptoms had diminished. Confused, I called the nurse. I found out that the blood sample taken on the day of my final ultrasound revealed that my hCG levels were still off-the-charts high. 65,000 during my 6th week. Normal (on the high end) is about 54,500. I explained to the nurse what was going on, and she asked me to come in immediately. The down side was to sit at the hospital ALL day with the possibility of not being seen. I asked if there was a better option. She found a cancellation and squeezed me in. Now I had a 3 day wait, not a 3 week one.

Optimistic with the possibilities, I began to speak about my complications with my friends and co-workers. They all shared in my enthusiasm that the baby was going to make it. I was convinced there was a squirmy little baby smirking to itself that it had fooled the dr. After all, my symptoms were getting stronger by the day.

I finally was able to get in and have a REAL appointment with a dr. who would look over my case, listen to the history, see the lab results and put my confusion to rest. It was the day before my 8th week and I knew that by this time I was bound to get real answers that could absolutely confirm my suspicions. I had another blood draw that morning, and my hCG levels were now a staggering 78,000. There. How about that? Sound like a miscarriage to you?

I agreed to first meet with the dr.'s student for her to practice. I spit out all the facts, lab results, scan measurements, dates, symptoms, and lack of evidence of a miscarriage like I had it memorized for months. The poor thing was scribbling so fast. She did not know what to say other than, "Um, I think I got it," and scurried out of the room. Few minutes later the dr. comes in to go over all the information one last time before he reiterated the previous weeks u/s results stating that they don't take that diagnosis lightly and they would have been 100% sure before they would have told me. His explanation of the pregnancy symptoms and rising hCG levels were that the placenta seems to have continued growing, even though the baby was not.

My final glimmer of hope was one last ultrasound. What if there was another one in there hiding all along and IT is healthy? I could not take the unknown and just shrug it off. I had to hear it one last time. They took me across the hall to the u/s room. Great. Same u/s tech. The mumbler. She was very slow and patient to check and recheck everything one last time. They brought the dr. back in to once again tell me- NO heartbeat and NO significant growth since 5 weeks 6 days. I accepted it.

I am now scheduled for a D and C to take place in a hospital I have never been a patient at with a dr. I have never met on one of my busiest workdays of the week. In the meantime, I struggle with knowing that I have a baby that is no longer living inside of me. I feel so empty. I feel so confused. Yet, I am so grateful for my hubby who is supportive, understanding, and broken right along with me. He will taking off work to be by my side through the surgery and to drive me home and take care of me for the days following.

As I now sharing my experiences with my family, friends, and co-workers and to be totally honest, I am struggling with the sympathy. I don't want people to feel sorry for me. This is life. This is what we get to deal with to become stronger in the end. Our marriage will weather this storm and we will cling to each other through it all. I am not the first woman to lose her baby and I am likely not the last.

I went home and held my two year old twin toddlers with all the love in my heart splashing over them through my tears. They have lost a sibling. A brother or sister who would have been a huge part of their lives and would have changed our little family forever. I am so thankful to have them both and I will cherish them even more than I did before. I am thankful for my loving husband who holds me tight and tells me that our baby is with Jesus. I get so sad, as I want the baby to be here and in my arms in 7 months from now. But I know that things will get better. My symptoms will eventually fade. I will lose the baby inside of me. And we can someday hope for another one.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

It's Tuesday

ag Back Tuesday
Welcome To "Tag Back Tuesday" .. If it's your first time... or you come every week... 


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    1.  Our Crazy Little Life
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    6. Paisley Passion 
    7. Adventures of a Military Family of 8 
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    11. Reflection of Something 
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    15. My Life as Mom and Wife 
    16. Reasons to Skip The Houswork 
    17. Real Adventures from A Mom Of 3
    18. 5 Seconds From Crazy
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    21. Mommy Of One and Counting

    Thursday, March 17, 2011

    I'm a Mom of Twins and Proud of It

    Two years ago if you had asked me if I would be sitting here right now rocking a little bundle of joy I'd have said "yeah probley". If you had asked me two years ago if I would be sitting here rocking TWO bundles of joy at the same time both feet working non-stop, I'd have said "You're Crazy." But here I am the mother of twins.

    It is known to all twin mothers out there that they will get comments by other mom's who were not as lucky or priviledged as we are to have been blessed with two at the same time. However, to a mom who is pregnant with twins these comments can cause destress and anxity. I know, I went though it. Everyone told me I would need all the help I could get. That my life stops the day they are born. How are you going to handle two at the same time? How are going to put up with screaming non-stop? Did you know that marriages tend to break up with couples who have twins?

    My answer then would have been "oh no, I'm scared what am I going to do." My answer today, 6 months after my identical twin girls were born, is very simple. Life doesn't end. It goes on and yeah maybe sometimes it is a little more work, double everything, but you also get more love. Love that you never ever ever had before and the love you feel for them and what they have. Best friends made already from birth. Yeah, don't get me wrong, it's hard and I know that I still have a lot of hard work to come. The funny thing is, I look forward to it everyday.

    I guess the reason I wrote this is to let everyone out there who is pregnant with twins or more that you shouldn't take people seriously. My marrige is still as strong as ever. Yeah we've had our problems but I love him and he loves me and if you truly love each other nothing will split you up. Don't take life so seriously either. Live it and if you can't get something done that day it will wait till tomorrow. I never knew these things before I had my angels. Now I live my life. There is no schedule to life. It just goes by.

    Tuesday, January 18, 2011

    No Silence...No Empty Hands...Heart Overflowing

    One thing that I have learned is that silence truly is golden, well it sure is rare in this house.  Each night I sit and think I should get to bed since the twinners get up so early, but a mama needs a moment of silence at the end of each day.  Just a hour or so to unwind, chat with some other twin mamas about the day, just nice to relate to somebody these days, it is hard to find somebody that truly gets what a day in the life of a twin mama is like!  Speaking of relating... I am sure you all relate to never having enough hands.  Just a short trip to the store, or to visit family takes well over an hour to get packed and out the door, then carrying it all to the Suburban geesh, what a task.  Oh and not to mention along with the huge bag of "ya just never know, if you don't pack it you will surely need it", I am juggling a 30+ pound toddler on each hip, and at least one of them is usually trying to squirm and escape. *No wonder people stare LOL*  I remember a day when  fellow twin mom of twinfants said I bet it is easier now that they can walk to the car and in places, ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME, they NEVER walk where you want them to, they run AWAY in SEPARATE directions most times.  So here I am living a life of chaos, noise at octaves you never thought was humanly possible, juggling toddlers and toddler's must haves, dragging them from here to there, chasing them near and far, getting stopped by the twinzarazzi to ask the silliest of questions and saying you sure have you hands full, as I am trying to keep tabs on my lil' rascals.  But I wouldn't change a single thing, yes my hands are full, but my heart is overflowing. 

    Monday, December 20, 2010

    Christmas...twin style...

    I told myself that I wasn't going to put my tree up until December for obvious reasons...well to reasons, Dylan and Ashton.  I caved, I couldn't help myself, stick to tradition, I put it up right before we left to Thanksgiving with my family. Oh dear what a bad decision that was.  I thought I would do it in stages, so I put the tree up and just put lights on it for a week, boys messed with it the first day or two but began to lose interest, then I added the decorations...WOW that was just way to much temptation for two little toddlers to resist!  So after a month of craziness, a month of near destruction it still stands, maybe not quite as pretty as it once was, but it is still standing and that is all I can really ask for at this age *laugh*.  So now here we are less than a week for Christmas and I can't wait to watch them open their gifts, I am counting down the days.  Last year was their first Christmas, but this year will be so much more fun for them, ripping open the presents, and playing with all that new cool stuff!  As for traditions sadly this mama was not very good with following through beyond getting the tree up as we always do, I really wanted to start the elf on the shelf this year, but I procrastinated just a little and we didn't get the lil' guy ordered...NEXT YEAR for sure!!!  And every year I tell myself spend less, really why go overboard?  Yeah right, I feel such guilt for all the time my oldest doesn't get with me because I am so busy with the twins, that I caved, I bought him that totally unneeded, ridiculous XBox 360 that he has been asking for.  Yeah we needed that just like we need the PlayStation 2 and the Wii, well I need the Wii, I am totally in love with Netflix hehehehehe.  Silly I know but I just couldn't not get him everything he asked for this year, and then the twins they need nothing, but got all sorts of new fun gadgets.  Well I hope I get a new house for Christmas so I have somewhere to put all the crap I bought my boys :).  Gifts aside I still have one more tradition to do, get my butt baking, but with what time.  Every year I do cookies and decorate them oh so very pretty, usually it takes me three days to complete but this year I am only going to have two days to get it done, go figure mama short of time that is just my reality these days.  I can do it and I can't wait to have those extra four hands to help me!  The twins are great bakers, they helped me bake bread they can tackle cookies for sure!!!  MERRY CHRISTMAS all my twin mamas!!!

    Friday, December 10, 2010

    "How Do You Do It?!"

    "How Do You Do It?!" I cannot tell you how many times I have been stopped and asked this question from people with perplexed faces. I seem to think that I live a fairly ordinary life, but when it is pointed out by others that I have so much on my plate-- I begin to wonder just how extra-ordinary life with twins really is.

    Life has thrown us so many challenges that we just take them all one at a time and find a balance to it all. Its like the circus performer who spins all the plates and manages to keep 20 or so going all at the same time. And the juggler does it with a smile of "I would love to see you try to do this." I feel like that circus performer. I wonder how much longer I can keep all the plates spinning.

    "How Do You Do It?!" Are they seeing what I am seeing? Do they really understand what it takes to manage two year old twin toddlers, work outside the home full time, and keep up with the household needs. Not to mention having one car, with hubby working on the other side of town and adding daycare into the mix? What it takes when anyone in the family gets sick, or the added responsibility of two additional house guests that have taken residence in the spare bedroom for the past ten months? Truth is, they have no idea.

    At the end of the day, I check all the spinning plates and give an occasional push to this one or that one and I am so thankful that it has not all come crashing down. At least not yet. I honestly have no idea --How Do I Do It?

    One day at a time. Two days at a time just doesn't work, and believe me, I have tried.

    Monday, December 6, 2010

    Twin moms are freaks of nature

    Twin moms are freaks of nature: "This video is like an eerie recording of conversations I’ve had a million times. I especially love the “are they natural” question. For those of you who are curious, here’s a brief primer on twins: 1.) Boy/girl twins can not be identical. Ever. Think penis and vagina. 2.) If you see a middle class woman…"

    Sunday, November 28, 2010

    Who knew...

    ... that the coveted one year mark I so looked forward to would bring such a large amount of new challenges. So, with much fanfare we made it through the first year and now I often find myself wondering why I looked forward to it so much. My girls are now toddlers, times two! I don't think I've had a moment of peace in the past 5 months since hitting that big one year milestone. I love that they talk and walk and are developing their own unique identities but they sure keep me hopping. There is no containing them, between their 3 yr old brother breaking the safety gates and them learning how to open them I just cannot seem to keep them in one spot. I look back on the pictures from the first year of their life and there are hundreds, now it is just pictures I manage to snap on my cell phone, well whenever I can find it and they're not trying to eat it! I always wondered what people meant when they said it didn't really get easier, just different and I guess now I know. Yes they sleep better but I still cannot sleep because I'm up all night trying to fix the disaster they've turned my house into. Yes they feed themselves now, and each other, they also throw food, hide food and feed themselves things they shouldn't. There is nothing I enjoy more than watching them interact with each other, they play and laugh and wrestle, they've also managed to bust the lamp on daddy's big screen TV that we just finished paying off and tear cabinet doors off their hinges. I love them dearly and I pray every day I will survive year two.

    Monday, November 22, 2010

    Youtube Video

    I dont really have time to blog since the kids are running amok, but go to Youtube: Moms of Multiples are Freaks of Nature. Enjoy! I loved it!! Thanks Misty for sharing that on Facebook. I would love to really get to blogging but Lord, I barely find time to just scrapbook. I will try to do more updating on my blog when I have time off from work. I am sure I will post some pictures of the kids during Thanksgiving. Anywho...sorry I dont post as much as the rest of you do, but do know I am here in spirit! :)

    Thursday, October 7, 2010

    No they will never understand...

    In talking with all you twin mama friends, I hear and I say "nobody understands" but you all.  Why of course they don't how the hell could they, and why does it matter. Simple answer it doesn't matter, and it would not make us feel better if they did?  Only we can understand how hard it can be, how isolating it is, and also how wonderful it is!!!  Even our husbands don't get it, and we get irritated by that, like would it make a difference in how we feel or how our day goes if they knew exactly how we felt?  No it wouldn't, it may make us feel more validated in our stressed out meltdown moments to know they don't think we are crazy, and they know just why the littlest things bother us...or set us into meltdown crying over no vacuum bags in the house.  Yes, I did do that not so long ago, it was pure craziness, but a stressed mama wants to clean, well this one does anyways LOL.  I have really been thinking of this a lot lately because here I am a stay-at-home mom that wants to do so much with her life, but  (dare I say it) a bit held back but all the time and efforts that go into raising my children.  Now would I change that?  NO WAY, but that doesn't change the fact that it hurts to want to get up and go pursue a career, or a great love of a hobby.  I just can't, no time and NO ENERGY to do much other than cook three meals a day, clean up after those three meals, give at least two baths a day, scrub the floor a few times, pick up the toy bomb that goes off at least half a dozen time each day, and take a moment to breath after all the children are in bed.  And to all you working mamas that ask what do you stay-at-home moms do all day?  Grrrrrr watch soaps and do my nails duh what else, I don't think so, I can't even get up and take a pee when I want without a couple of shadows and a tantrum later.  Back to the point, there is no way anybody will ever understand what I do each day, or how I am feeling, so I guess now that I have finally excepted that, I can get over it and move on.  Not only do they not the frustrations of being a mother of twins, the do not understand just how wonderful it is raising two children that have an amazing bond, and get that opportunity to see them interact in such cute and precious ways.  So what is it that brought me here to blog about this?  Many of things, but one is today as I had to get out of this crazy zoo I call a home, so we went shopping.  Yes I took my 17-month-old rambunctious twin boys shopping at 2 different stores.  Oh and one of them was soooooooooo not twin friendly, barely fit through the front door with my double stroller (really come one I am not the only one in this town with two children in a stroller, accommodate PLEASE!!!), and the other had let the twinarazzi loose.  It was stressful, but fun as well.  My two little goofs cruising in the stroller just fascinated by everything from the sparkly jewelry to the clothes that would brush up against them and make them giggle, now something that little can make you smile and rethink how stressed and how you almost for a moment regretted even attempting to get out into the world past your gated off living room.  So after the giggles and eyes full of wonder, my mood had lightened, then on the way home I look in the rear view and see to blue-eye, blond cuties smiling at each other and talking to each other in a language only they can understand.  So who cares if we are all misunderstood, we are blessed beyond all belief with the two little miracles that have made us recreate ourselves and they way we live and think.

    Wednesday, October 6, 2010


    I'm LDS, and because I am, I spend the first weekend of October in my pajamas, watching eight hours of church on TV; and on Saturday evening my husband and older sons put on their white shirts and ties and go to the church building to watch two more on closed-circuit television.

    That's irrelevant to anything except for this: Two years ago on General Conference weekend, while my husband and sons were at that meeting, I took a pregnancy test that turned my life upside down.

    I didn't know how far upside down until an ultrasound two weeks later.

    So here I am now, the 44-year-old mother of 17-month-old twins. In a single day I can clean up a half-pound of butter from the floor and two sets of little hands, brace myself against the auditory onslaught of two preteen girls singing along to YouTube videos, consider the impending costs of Driver's Ed for my freshman son, breathe a sigh of relief that my 21-year-old figured out what was wrong with his (our) truck and look forward to his and his 18-year-old brother's planned visit home from what was supposed to be just a summer working together three hours away. Now the eldest plans to stay all year, and the younger is determined to attend spring semester away from home. He wants, in fact, to get there as soon as possible. I'm left wondering if the short time we all had together last Christmas will be the only Christmas I will have with all my children and only my children.

    Most poignant has been my attempts recently to teach Jonathan, my verbal twin, how to say his big brothers' names so that they won't feel as bad about being away from home while their little brothers are growing up as I feel about having them away.

    It's a complicated life.

    It's strange to think of all that's happened in the last two years--besides the twins' birth. My second son graduated high school; my third son entered high school. We moved from the northernmost end of the state to the southernmost, and my eldest son moved with us (and therefore, back home). Three weeks of job-hunting later, he and his brother suddenly were offered work at a resort in the Sawtooths, and the next day they were both gone--one moving back out, the other moving out for the first time, literally overnight. Nothing over the past 24 months has occurred as I expected, beginning with that General Conference weekend when I thought I'd put some stress to rest with a ten-dollar pregnancy test.

    And I can look forward and know that there's more to come. My eldest is 21, an age at which I was married; within two years he'll be almost 24, older than his father was on our wedding day. My second will either prepare to serve a two-year mission beginning in early summer, or he will assert his agency as his brother did and choose not to go; either will be a monumental event. My third son will reach our family's threshold age for dating, and significantly will also demonstrate whether he will be a solid, dedicated scholar like one of his older brothers, or a seat-of-the-pants kind of guy like the other, or (more likely) some other stress-inducing brand of student for his parents to fret over. My daughter will enter junior high. She will likely get her period and her first bra; she's already showing signs. The boyos, of course, will go from toddlerhood to preschoolers with all the growth that attends that.

    And me. I'll move onto the wrong side of my 40s, dragging my aching knees and bad hip with me, and doing my best to enjoy the pivotal moments of motherhood the next two years will bring. I'd never have imagined myself as the mother of so many children in so many stages of life, but it does make one thing clear. The days--they can be long...but, oh, the years are short.

    Saturday, October 2, 2010

    Time Flying Fast

    I think we are all in the same boat as I have been reading the recent posts, that time is flying quicker than we thought. I never thought time would fly fast with kids, but boy was I wrong. My duo will be 2 in March...2!!!! I can remember being at the doctor's office being told I was pregnant, then 5 months later SUPRISE your having twins!!! I have to say I am just not with the pictures as the rest of you have been, and I think I will regret it majorly! We even bought a new video camera but it sits in our closet waiting to be used. I regret not putting more into these guys, I had started their scrapbook but now it's laid dormant for about 3 months. Working with Special Ed kids sucks the life out of me, and when I get home it's all I can do from crashing to spend time with my kids. I wonder if I will look back and become sad that I haven't spent more time capturing the moments of their growing up. I am thinking once they turn 2, it will be soon they will enter into preschool. We are preparing to change daycares from one that is basically babysitting to one that teaches, it will be a hard move since they are used to the one daycare but I really want them to get their education started, although we do read and count at home.

    I think for my birthday I am going to ask for a better camera, the one I have is not bad but I need one where it's easy to post the pictures without having to do many steps. Any suggestions? I am not looking to spend over $300, the one I have is about $100 so I have to watch what I buy. I really want to capture as all of you have been doing so wonderfully, each step of their growth. I do get professional photos taken 3 times a year but it's the natural at home photos I am lacking in, well not lacking just too damn lazy to put them up on the pc. I need some advice, and some encouragement to do so. Heck, blogging right now is hard cause I just want to sit and veg when the kids are down for their naps on the weekends...its constant go go go from M-Fri from work to home; although I will say for those that are SAHM...BLESS YOUR HEARTS, I AM IN AWE OF YOUR GREATNESS...just the weekends alone with my duo tax me out, cant imagine 24/7...though I know I will miss out in the end.

    I swear I am just rambling on here, guess I just need to really think about what I want to say before sitting behind a computer and just blogging. I guess the overall message is I feel I am missing out on their lives by choosing to go to work, but then it's not a choice I have made lightly due to the fact my husband is unemployed since the construction business took a major dive here in California. Going from making $80k to virtually nothing has been very very tough on us all, and I just hope somewhere he can find something else to make as a career. My goals are to go back to school once he is back on his feet, I'll do part-time schooling as I want to spend time with the kids, getting them prepared for school and I may even dabble in home-schooling for the first couple of years and enter them into school around 2nd grade, but we shall see about that. Anywho, thanks for letting me ramble and putting things out there...maybe I'll be able to look back on this blog and say WTH were you talking about?? LOL


    Sunday, September 26, 2010

    What I missed, love, and look forward to

    Call me crazy, but I miss being pregnant. People treat you better. The bigger my belly got, the more doors were opened for me, strangers offered to carry my things, and I had a great excuse to take it easy.

    My husband and I battled infertility for two years. I wanted a child more than anything and obsessed about it constantly. Month after month of testing early just in case this time it actually happened, followed by intense disappointment and anger that my body was inadequate. I had testing done, found out that I was hyper-ovulating and also had cysts on my ovaries. After taking clomid for four months, we were finally expecting. We learned it was twins at my 10 week appointment, and I don't think the shock has ever really gone away.

    I can't say that I miss my life I had before the twins. Most days I cannot remember life without them, and I don't think I want to. They have brought so much joy and completeness into our lives.

    What I love about our life as a family with multiples is the everyday feeling of being extraordinary. There is not much that intimidates us! We play, we travel, we seek out new adventures and the twins enhance every aspect our lives. They have strengthened our communication and teamwork as a married couple. Don't get me wrong, we have had our ups and downs, but we are better for the challenges we have endured together.

    I really am looking forward to with our twins is the next stage in their development. My Kara and Kal-El will turn two in less then two months. Our friends have warned us about the "terrible twos" but we are ready for it! Temper tantrums, potty training, unyielding selfishness, and the constant discovery of the world around them-- its going to be exciting times!

    Thursday, September 23, 2010

    What I Missed, Love and Look forward to

    To my Liam and Elijah,
    From the moment the pregnancy stick came out positive, I knew my life would never be the same. I knew that I would have to sacrifice myself in order for you to thrive and grow into wonderful men. At the time I imagined a life of being overwhelmed by a single baby. I wasn't sure how I was going to do it. A few weeks later, we saw two heartbeats and that changed everything.
    I do miss going out on dates with your father just for fun, or going on trips out of nowhere. Your father and I would make 7 Eleven stops and binge on crap food and play video games all night. We would sleep in, go to work, go to school and be together. I do miss that alone time with him but I would give that all up in an instance just to have you. In the back of my mind when we found out that we were having twins was that I knew I would be huge. I would constantly tell your father that when I do get pregnant I would workout and stay thin. Little did I know that I would in the ER at 3 in the morning at 11 weeks pregnant since there was a threaten miscarriage. I should have miscarried that day, yet God allowed me to keep you safe inside. After that, no more working out. I miss my prepregnancy body, I should have appreciated it, but I didn't. Yet knowing I carried you both for so long, I gladly give you my body as well.
    The things that I sometimes miss does not compared to what I have right now. I am completely in love with you both. Liam, from the day you were born you explored the world. You opened your eyes and had an amazement look to your face. You are still the same. You take the leap and try new things. It may come at the cost of bruises but you are so determined. I love that you enjoy exploring and I love seeing your face light up when something new has presented itself. Elijah the day you were born, you were very quiet and content. You would open your eyes here and there but it was always a treat. As you grew, your father and I saw that you would observe rather than do. You would watch Liam try new things and get hurt, then once he mastered his new ability, you would just do it perfectly without any issues. I love giving you new things and seeing you examine it and study it. I love holding the both of you and have you both hold me tight. I love coming into your bedroom in wee hours of night and seeing you stir. I stand there and you open your eyes and see me then give me a huge smile. I put your quilt on you and your drift back to sleep. I love it when you want me to hold you until you fall asleep. I love it when you play with me or give me five. I just love being with you and showing you this world that God blessed us with.
    I cannot wait to put you both in a soccer team. Your father played for many years and hopes to coach your team. We look forward to taking you to the park and just being a family. I am looking forward to the day when you say, "I love you." I know that we will have our ups and downs through life, but remember that no matter what, your mother loves you.

    Where has the time gone

    This week back in September 2008 I was praying and hoping that this was the month that I would get pregnant. I was not ovulating so my doctor put me on 1 round of Clomid to see if it would make me ovulate and make my periods return to normal so we could get pregnant. I remember taking those pills and telling DH that the was an increased chance of multiples and we really did not want twins as we already had 2 children and this was to be our 3rd and last child, so we decided not to have sex this month just to be sure. Well in a very drunken state we forgot our pact, so as September came to an end I was sad thinking another month with a big fat negative. To our surprise that one night would change our lives forever. I can remember this September/October of that year so vividly and then it is all a blur.

    Those 9 months seemed like the longest 9 months of my life. The last month of my pregnancy seemed like an eternity and 38 weeks would never ever get here but May 27, 2009 did arrive and it all began. Well here I am 16 months later and I cannot believe how fast time has gone by. Their second Thanksgiving is coming up, second Halloween, second Christmas is all fastly approaching and it feels like it should be their first holidays. It feel like when I wake up tomorrow it will be their 2nd birthdays already. This blog is a reminder to myself to slow things down, watch my little boys grow and not be so impatient for them to reach milestones.

    Brothers and Books

    While folding laundry a few days ago, I noticed that they boys weren't making any noise. That usually means they are up to some kind of mischief. But this time, they had both climbed into the big reclining chair to read books together. So sweet!!! I had to stop and take some pictures. The laundry could wait. :)

    Monday, September 20, 2010

    49lbs of adorableness

    Today someone said something that I think about a lot. "I wonder what it would be like to only have one baby."

    I usually think about this when I take the babies out in public by myself. Do you know how heavy a double jogging stroller is?? Especially when it's crammed in the trunk of a Hyundai Elantra. Lately though every once in awhile I get to leave it behind.

    The babies are great walkers now. They love walking around you can see how free and independent they feel. I don't let them walk around parking lots much at all. Really, I only allow it when we are in small parking lots to and from parks.

    So we sort of have a routine down. First I go to Ty's side and put on his Elmo harness, then he gets to walk over with me to Lexi's side. He REALLY likes tires so that usually keeps him occupied until I get her out. She refuses to walk just sits and cries and it makes me sad so I carry her. Then we slooowwwlly let Ty walk into the playground area.

    This process takes about 15 minutes. Gravel and sidewalks are very fascinating to a 17 month old. Finally we make it to the gate and I can let them free and then spend 45-60 min chasing them in opposite directions trying to keep them from running up the stairs and falling and breaking their necks. Such as today when Lexi did have a bit of a tumble but she was ok just scared and luckily another mom grabbed Ty before he ran up the stairs on the other side of the playstructure.

    Finally when it's time to go I have to convince them to leave as you can imagine getting to the car is much much harder than getting out. Usually it ends with me lugging a baby under each arm across the parking lot. (like today!) And when that happens it's usually when I think jeez it must be nice to just have to lug 26lbs of baby around... BUT I still wouldn't trade my 49lbs of baby for all the non-aching backs in the world.

    Hi Lexi where is your brother?

    Oh wait there he is, Ty ...Ty..... Come back here!

    It's not a scavenger hunt.

    An entire generation went on the road to find themselves. I've read some of their work, and I think they failed. They seem pretty dang lost to me.

    Life isn't about finding yourself. It's true, though, that sometimes we can lose sight of who we are. Life is unpredictable, and we are easily distracted. We get caught up. We get turned around to the point that we actually believe our means to be our objectives. We define ourselves by outside events. We make false arguments against our own authenticity, and we feel that because we are living in a way that we couldn't have predicted, we have lost some vital part of ourselves.

    We haven't lost ourselves. We are simply not recognizing how our selves fit into this new setting. Regardless of what is happening to us, we cannot deny who we are. We are enduring. We are strong. And a gem is a gem, whether it is still encased in igneous stone, or buried in the bed of a stream, or cut into a thousand facets that catch the light.

    Finding the gem is one thing. But taking it from rough stone to polished beauty--that's another. It is the supreme act of life to allow the circumstances in which we find ourselves, tumbled and sometimes broken, ground and polished--to bring out of us the treasure that is there. To reflect light and color like a precious stone, whatever our setting.

    Life isn't about finding yourself... life is about creating yourself.

    Having children changes changes you forever.

    Sometimes you feel as if you lose yourself to being just a mom. Sometimes you feel as if your life revolves around all things children. And if you answer honestly, it usually does.

    I love being a mom. I feel as if it was what I was meant to be doing with my life. I have my ups and downs in this occupation, but overall, I feel I do a darn good job. However, there was a point where I felt like, I'm just a mom.

    And then, I realized. I'm still me. I found I was created into a new and improved version of myself:

    I'm a nurturer. Every day I hug, love, hold, kiss and care for three little beings. I have been entrusted with their lives and I couldn't be more honored to be the one to love them.

    I have patience in situations with my children that would make a grown man cry.

    I'm strong. Physically and mentally I work day in and day out. I never call a sick day. I never take a vacation.

    I can achieve my goals: I decided to run a half-marathon after having my twins and started training when they were 7 weeks old. When they were 7 months old I completed the Carlsbad Half-Marathon. I didn't walk an inch.

    I'm beautiful: I was devastated by what I saw in the mirror after having my children. But now when I look at myself I appreciate what I see: I don't have a perfectly flat stomach, I have little lines around my eyes when I laugh. Things have changed but I see the admiration in my husband's eyes when he looks at me and I love hearing my four year old say: Mommy you look like a princess! How could I wish to look differently when the people I love the most think I'm beautiful?

    So yes, I found, I'm a mom. Just a mom and I absolutely love it.

    Sunday, September 19, 2010

    Life isn't about finding yourself, life is about creating yourself...

    For months after the twins were born I focused on all the things I could no longer do, the list was a mile long, no me time, no just up and going to the store, no one on one time with my oldest, no time for just me and hubby, no more sewing, no more scrap booking, no more so many things.  I felt lost, so unbelievable lost, to the point I would just cry and I didn't even recognize myself any longer.  I made myself so unhappy, yes I MADE myself that way, nobody else, it wasn't having the twins, it wasn't all the things I could no longer do, the freedom I had lost, it was me having it stuck in my head that I had LOST myself.  I lived in the slump for months, I blogged about it, I hung on it like a crutch, then I woke up.  Silly how really, I was messing on my personal blog and found a button with a quote on it, "Life isn't about finding yourself, life is about creating yourself".  I caught my eye, I sat and pondered it for a bit, then I snapped out of it, what the hell was I thinking.  Seriously was I nuts, here I am with three kids, almost 30-years-old, I have no time to be lost, I have no time or the right to sit and pity myself.  It is crazy to have something like having two precious babies come into the world at the same time turn my world upside down, well it's okay to say they did that *laugh*, but I can't let it get in my head that I have somehow lost myself because of it.  Time to suck it up, be the tough mama, and come to terms with the fact that "my" life has taking a turn, at turn for something different and better.  Why live in all the I cant's, and why say I am lost?  I can't be lost, where was my final destination?  That is the thing, there is no final destination, there is no road map of life saying this is your route, and this is who you are, everything you do changes your path.  So as a mother of one child who was pretty self-sufficient to a mother of three, two of which are babies, my life has changed its path, I have two more little ones to take on my life's journey.  What a wonderful opportunity I have, time to stop wasting time feeling sorry for myself, time to start creating myself.  It was then in that moment things got easier, I decide to do things for my future and stop dwelling on things of the past.  I did some soul searching and came to terms with who I was and who I want to become,  things I want to accomplish as a mom, wife, and as a woman.  Sometimes we forget that we are not just moms, we are woman, individuals who have our own dreams and aspirations outside of being a mother.  Yes everything we do falls back on our families in the end, but bettering our personal selves, betters us as mothers as well.  Months later I am here pursuing my dreams I had long given up on when I stepped into the roll of mom, and I am a better and happier person for it.  No longer do I feel lost, I feel like I am creating myself day by day, each step I take is a step forward for me, and for my children.  There are moments I do miss things in the past, but I am not lost, I am just reflecting on the past and how it brought me to this point today, and what I have learned from it, and how it has left a permanent imprint and has played a part in creating who I am today and who I will be in days to come.

    Sunday, September 12, 2010

    How to let go anger

    I am so trying to let go my anger, but I find myself still trapped by it. I find myself more like my mother every day, and anger ate her soul up literally. Here's my beef: My DH has two kids from a previous marriage, and I really was open to them and including them in alot of stuff trying to really make a bond. His daughter decided to turn her back on her dad and let the ex tell her stuff that was not true and thus she has and doesnt want anything to do with us, despite all our efforts of trying to make things good. My DH has decided to keep her away from our lives due to the vicious lies she created (along with the ex) and almost caused great chaos for my husband. Now, his son was cool and I got along great with him UNTIL he started dating and chose to marry someone JUST LIKE HIS MOTHER, no kidding she is exactly like the ex very very controlling! I tried to make peace with it, though I could see he knew he got himself into a very bad relationship but when you are 18 you are trying to prove yourself against the world, again both my husband and I tried very hard to talk some reasoning into him, to no avail! When we found out about the beans, we allowed both Daniel and Sarah to be apart of the pregnancy, Sarah (Daniel's wife) even went to my U/S appointments. After the beans were born things were okay, but I had raging PPD and they expected us to drop things like we used to do in the past to do things for them. Now, that we had the kids both of them starting copping an attitude saying to my dh, "you only have time for the babies, not for us." I was livid, HELLO we have newborn twins of course we are going to spend more time with them, and you are 18 and 19 and are adults...get a freaking clue! Well, to make a long story short it came to head one day when they wanted my dh to drop everything to do their brakes on the car, he told Daniel to bring the car by at a time convenient for us...GOD FORBID, but that was just too much, we needed to do it when they wanted us to do it. So, it all blew up and dh got on the phone with Daniel telling him wth is wrong with you, why are you acting that which Daniels says, "You never did anything to help me out Dad, all you do is be around Kelli and those babies all the time, you never have time for me anymore!" My dh hit the roof, and the argument began and then Daniel basically told my dh, "I dont want you or need you in my life, you can just stay out of it and go "F" yourself." That was over a year ago, the kids were about 3mths old. Now, a year later Daniel texted my husband after not talking for over a year wanting to start talking again, but never apologized at least not fully because in his last email to us "I have no remorse for what I have said, I said what I believe and I will not ever apologize," yea the little pisher said that to my husband. So, I could have blocked the little monster cause I am the owner of both cell lines but I didnt...oh I did want to believe me, but I decided I won't go down that road.

    Now, today my husband is doing his army duty and they are having family day. It's way too far for me to drag the kids for a stupid party that will last maybe 2hrs...we live like 3hrs away. So, he invited his son to go over there since he lives by where the party is going to be. I told Scott he better make sure he clears the air with Daniel and let him know that I am still pissed off, I still have anger over what he told us and it's not about to go away anytime soon. I know harboring anger is not good, but I just cannot let myself let it go. See, I lost my mother when I was 15, she chose to suicide and I miss her sooo much and I would KILL to have my mother around. Now my mother did some crazy stuff to me as a kid, emotionally and some physical abuse (not sexual) but still I would have never ever told my mother to "f" off or that she didn't do things for me, EVER!!! This is where I hold my grudge, cause now being a parent I know the sacrafice it takes to be one, and to have some little punk kid and his wife tell my DH that he never did anything for them ( just a note, Daniel's wife Sarah had lived with my DH before they got married, she lived 9mths RENT FREE and ate up all the food, jacking up the energy bill) I just can't let it go. So, while he is there having lunch with his son, I am stewing at home...though the kids keep me busy, I now have time to THINK about it. I just hope my dh puts the little brat straight, and I hope he knows that he and I will square off one day and I will make sure he knows what an ASS he has been to his father! Honestly, I just wonder wth did you do to raise such bratty ass kids? Seriously! Both kids are so self centered, all about them and if it's not my way its the highway, and I will drag you down if I can just to toy with you attitude...I AM DONE! I told DH that I really dont want them to ever be around the kids, seriously I dont need that attitude rubbing I wrong? Perhaps in time I will allow myself to heal this wound...and I am so trying but it's very hard. I guess it's because Daniel is not my kid, though I think if even the twins tried this crap on me, i'd backhand them back to reality and quick.

    So as I am writing this my dh texted me saying he told Daniel that he and his wife needs to apologize for their behavior...YEA RIGHT. I dont expect an apology and that is fine by me, cause honestly I dont need the drama. I am better off without it in my life, I'll have enough as the kids get older! Anywho, thanks for letting me vent...this is better than me driving 2hrs and knocking both of them upside their heads. :)


    Tuesday, September 7, 2010


    There are things I miss from my life before the boys were born. I had raised four kids to some level of independence--my youngest was 9--and finally I had the freedom to come and go as I chose (between 9 am and 3 pm). Often, I chose to be in a classroom somewhere, standing in for a regular teacher. Pay was a pittance but it added up; I had a list of things on which I would spend it. Other days, I chose to be out in my kayak on the lake, or on my bike. Today I'm too broad for my kayak's narrow cockpit, and my Haro has been replaced by a Trek that is friendlier to my aging and wearing body but makes me feel like Pee Wee Herman.

    I miss my old body.

    Some of the things I miss are from after the boys were born. People will think I'm crazy, but I miss the questions. I get a lot fewer of them now that the boys are older. I loved going shopping and stopping every twenty steps to answer those questions and to tell my story.

    I love telling stories.

    But I have never been the kind of mother who looked back longingly and with regret at the stages my children had left behind. I'm too busy watching their discoveries and looking forward with excitement to the wonders ahead of them.

    I love the way they share everything--pacifiers, bites of dinner, hugs. That's one of the stages they are in right now. Each is always looking to see what the other is doing. They bring each other their blankets or their teddy bears or their jackets.

    I love their differences. Jesse is all about the physical stuff--splash it, dig it, push it, throw it, punch it, chase it. Jonathan is focused on mimicry and words. He learns a new word every time I breathe, it seems.

    I love that when they want an animal--cat, dog, goat or horse--to come to them, they reach out their arms, open and close their hands, and make a clucking noise with their tongues, utterly convinced that the animal only needs to know their wishes. I love that enough animals respond exactly as they expect, by coming to them, that they think these motions and these noises carry some kind of magic. They don't know that Gradpa's goats expect grain, that the horse suspects there's an apple in their Daddy's pocket, that the neighbor's cat is used to being fed by their sister.

    They think it's them, grasping and clucking. And the animals haven't let them down.

    I love watching their older siblings play, cuddle, and read with them. And here's another thing I miss--I miss the grown boys, who are working far away and not here where I can see their tenderness and interest in these two little brothers no one expected.

    I'm looking forward to the next time they are all together, this half-dozen of mine. I look forward like a child to Christmas, when we will all be home. I want to look around at all their faces, the almost-men and the babies and the girl and boy between, and hear their voices tangling round each other in their energy and enthusiasm. To hear them teasing and cajoling each other, laughing together. To see the gracious spirits I was promised in the glow of starry lights and the warmth of home.

    Sunday, September 5, 2010

    What I miss, what I love, and what I am looking forward to

    I miss being pregnant, looking back now as much as I hated the constant questions I actually miss them. I miss that I never took pictures of my belly and that daddy forgot to bring the camera into the OR for your birth. I miss my newborn twins and all their cuddles.

    I love being a mother of multiples. It gives you a feeling not many people can understand. watching them play together, interact in a way most toddlers don't, watching them snuggle, watching them run through the house looking for each other if they think to much time has passed since they last saw each other.

    I am looking forward to when the twins curiosity doesn't equal destruction, I am not sure my computer or my husbands can handle any more curiosity. I am looking forward to winter because although the twins were around for winter last year they were still around 6 months and to young to take staking, sledding, snow angels, making snowmen, and just playing in the yard in the snow and I can't wait to see their reactions.

    Saturday, September 4, 2010

    What I Missed, Love and Look Forward To...

    What I missed

    Before I had you, I lost two sweet babies. I was never able to truly relax and enjoy the pregnancy because I always thought: what if it happens again? For that, I’m sorry Max. I’m sorry Madeline.

    You had to share from the moment you were in my tummy and when you entered the world, your time with me had to be shared with each other and sweet big sister. For that, I’m sorry Madeline. I’m sorry Max.

    I tend to see the two of you as a pair. For my own sanity, I put you on the same sleeping and eating schedule. You never had a chance to be your own baby. For that, I’m sorry Max. I’m sorry Madeline.

    What I love

    That even though I feel guilty about too little time with each of you, I couldn’t imagine my life any other way than it is now. The experience of being a mom to twins is one I wouldn’t trade for the world. It has taught me so much about my own strength and determination.

    I love that you both have taught me children are forgiving and forever loving; even to an imperfect mom like me.

    I love that you were the two little people God chose to complete our family.

    What I look forward to…

    Every day with my dear Madeline is a gift.
    I look forward to seeing your sweet smile and hearing your husky laugh every day. Watching you as you watch me. When you put your pouty lip out, you always make sure I notice. I do. I always notice you.

    As you grow…
    I look forward to seeing you experience all new things life has to offer you. I cherish each day that I see you growing, thriving and living on this Earth.

    Every day with my sweet Max is a little piece of heaven.
    I look forward to seeing your bright eyes; shining with delight and love for all those around you. Right now you think I hung the moon…the feeling is most definitely mutual. I love the moments through out the day where you look up at me with your beautiful smile; checking to make sure I’m still there. I’ll always be there for you.

    As you grow…
    I look forward to seeing you explore the world around you and watching you as you learn about everything and anything that interests you. I adore being your Mommy, now and forever.

    I look forward to our life and continuously being awestruck by you both, my sweet Wonder Twins.

    Wednesday, September 1, 2010

    What I Missed, Love and Look forward to

    First off sorry Tina! It's been sooooo long not only here but on my own as well :( But here I am adding to you topic :)

    What I missed... While I was preggo with the twinners, I missed so much just going out and about, being comfortable, keeping food down (!), I missed going out for that drink after work, I missed alot because I was stuck at home all by myself at night and if I did too much I paid by having the worst contractions ever! Then my beautiful babies came and I forgot about all that I missed... now at 9 months I miss my babies! They aren't cute little squishes anymore (but they aren't toddlers either). They stand up and don't hold on to stuff anymore... I miss them just sitting there LOL They just want to move! While looking at the pictures to send to Heather I couldn't help but get all choked up... Do you ladies know how long it's been since I looked at those pictures?! It made me sooo sad, not just because of how small and full of IV's, tubes, and wires they were but that they are huge now and won't stop growing! Those first months were hard but looking back they did go sooo fast. It's nice to see the new twin mamas dealing with no sleep because we all have been there, done that. Now they know :P I just try and keep reminding them that this will past and that they grow before their eyes...

    What I love... I love playing in the baby cage with the kids everyday. I love the way they climb all over me like I'm a jungle gym. I love the way Dexter kisses and kisses and kisses! I love the way he kisses Ella and she instantly cries... and the way she will sometimes sneak in a kiss of her own. I love the fun we have everyday when we go wake daddy up. All 4 of us on a king sized bed. The kids patting(pounding) daddy to wake up and giggle when he opens his eyes. I love that they are getting more and more independent (I know that doesn't make sense with what is written above!) and just growing. All the neat stuff they learn everyday... I love how they call for me all the time! Mum mum mum... yup that's me! I LOVE HOW THEY SLEEP THROUGH THE NIGHT! Who would have ever thought I would love that!?!

    What I look forward too... I look forward to the day that we can spend all day doing art projects, cook, really play in the park (not just playing on swings!), and most of all when they really play together! I look forward to the day they talk and understand each other. I can not wait for when they tell me what they want in even the simplest of words. I'm waiting for the day (that's coming soo!!) when we can all lay in the grass and play, rake up leaves and throw them in! There really is just so much to look forward to that it's hard to dwell on the things I missed till it catches up with you one day.

    Wednesday, August 25, 2010

    What I Missed, Love, and Look Forward to...

    Been awhile since this mama blogged here, just so much to do and so little time to do it in...TYPICAL TWIN MAMA STORY.  So here it is, I posted this blog topic and see nobody has posted *sad sad me*, so I will start it off.  I did a post on this on my own blog but it was just the missed part, one thing I can't do is leave it on a negative, so I will bring around where it should be... on the postive side of things.  I will try to shorten it up a bit, but the basic of it is I was exaughsted when my boys were newborns, yeah was LOL, I still am, just not to the extent I was.  One day I was looking through some photos and it just hit me like a wall, oh my how did I miss so much?  Why didn't I ask for help?  Why did I not see how much I was letting slip by me?  I just broke down into tears, I think it had to have been the saddest thing I have ever experienced.  Seems so silly to those who haven't been there, but I am sure my twin mamas will know exactally what I am talking about here!!!  So as I look through all my photos, I see photos of them as newborns in the hospital, coming home, being propped up in Bobbys, me doing some very creative double time bottle feedings, them smiling, sitting up, standing, gazing at the Christmas tree, oh how the list goes on and on, but you get the point.  I just broke down into tears and thought how on earth did I miss so much, I see it in photos and it brings it back little by little, but there is still so very much I missed out on just by not asking for help.  I was so tired, up all night, and all day just "surviving" each day and not realy enjoying it.  It was all about getting the twins cared for and keeping up with the rest, bottles washed, laundry done, and meals cooked.  Really there is only so much one person can do why in the hell didn't I just admitt I could NOT do it all alone!!!  Ugh still kicking myself for that!!!  So here I am looking at all these precious photos of my babies, and looking at them play in front of me and how big and grown they have become, and just crying like a baby.  What to do from there???  Suck it up put a smile on for my boys and join them in play, give them tons of hugs, love, and let them know this mama is going to be the best mama she can be no matter what!!!  So that was the I missed, now onto the I love!!!  What do I love about this crazy journey as a twin mama....oh so many things!  I love the way they look at me with those gogous baby blues and just smile, and give me those double hugs, after all that is one of the best things ever of being a twin mama, having four arms around you and a head on each shoulder and just feeling them love you with all they know.  And all you can do is squease back and hug them both as tights as you can and alternate smooching each of their cute lil' baby cheekers and watching them smile after each smooch!!!  I love watching them discover and learn so much, I love taking them to new places to see and interact with nature and all things around them, I love that they love me with everything they have, and though it is difficult having these two little beings so dependant on me, I love that look to me for love and making them feel safe and to teach them, really there is no way to even come close to explaining all I love, just I LOVE EVERYTHING about them!!!  Now onto what I look forward to, hmmm, well I look forward to so manyt things.  I look forward to sharing my lifes experieces with them, I can't wait to watch them grow into young men, and little brothers to Ethan, I can't wait to see them grow and for them to see where they came from, and look to their own futures, I can't wait to see them as men and have their own families to see that I have taught them.  And  I can only hope that I have tough them to be gentlemen who love and charrish their family as I have, I look forward to them growing together and forming brotherly bonds that can never be broke, and most of all I just look forward to seeing them grow into the men, that I am, as of now, working so hard to raise them to be.  This journey as a twin mama has been the greatest experience of my life, it has been rough, it has been a typical twin mama's journey!!!

    Sunday, August 8, 2010

    Mr. Summer....don't ever end!!!

    Dear Sisters,

    I remember I used to HATE summer. I hated the heat, I hated the humidity. I hated shopping for a swimsuit. ( I KNOW I am not alone with that one). I have learned to LOVE summer. My husband (the teacher) is home every day to help me! Last summer wasnt great for me. Newborn twins, and being a first time mom, I had NO clue what I was doing. I was going through PPD and later found out I got pregnant 11 weeks after the twins. ( Ok, peer pressure... but we wont go into that LOL).

    I am loving every day of summer because I am able to have ADULT conversations for a change on a daily basis. I have someone who doesnt mind changing 3 poopy diapers at once living with me! I have company and companionship. I can even leave for short periods of time ALONE if I want to. But most importantly, I am without the company of my 11 year old step son who loathes me. The weight has been lifted, I feel a sense of pleasure and happiness. I can smile and be happy, without having to deal with the horrible mean drama EVERY day. What did I ever do to this precious child you ask? Nothing except marry his father and have 3 other children. See, my stepson resided with his mother for the last 10 years in another country. He would only visit the states every summer and every other christmas. So everytime he came, it was a major vacation. But as we know, "real life" isnt like that. He wasnt to happy when he came to live with us and things were reversed. Who does he take it out on? me.

    As the summer winds down, I am NOT looking forward to the return of this person. I am not looking forward to the stress it will cause in my house or what it does to my husband. I wish summer could last forever. But reality is setting in and I need to find alternative ways to deal with the hatred this child has for me and for these 3 innocent babies. I need to be at peace with myself and my life. I love this child and although he harbors such loathing for me, I must remember that even though it hurts, he is still someone's child. Never in my whole life did I ever think someone would refer to ME as a wicked stepmother!

    Fun Times on the Phone

    I had a great time last night talking Tina :) It was finally good to really have a decent chat with a fellow twin Mama. We talkeda about hard it was raising twins, and that though we love our kids there are times we wish to go back to the carefree days of single life or married life without kids. I know I have friends that have kids, but to have twins is a different ballgame as we all have come to find out, and though we love our kids very much it can be so taxing to your individuality, to your relationships with other friends (non twin mamas), and relationship with your SO. Having each other is so important, having the ability to speak out how you feel and have someone "Really" know what you are talking about is so wonderful. I am thankful for getting to know other twin mamas online, its my source of sanity!

    I think we should really thinkg about getting together, even if we have to make the annual Twins Convention in Twinsburg our meeting place, I think it would be great to work on meeting one day. I know for myself the thought of travelling with twins is crazy but i think in hte end it would be great. I know it was just so great to talk to Tina finally, after all the textings and talking on facebook its just nice to finally get to talk and laugh and compare war stories. Have fun camping Tina!!! I know you'll come back with tons of photos to share :)


    Friday, August 6, 2010

    More than Ever

    Dear Twin Mamas,

    Wow! The last few weeks have been tough for me. I don't really want to go into details here, but you all know what is going on. Man, just when I think I have a few things figured out, life just flips my script. I guess that is why this Twin business is not for sissies. I just wanted to thank you all again, because I have needed you more than ever, and you have been there for me, like always. I really wish that we were closer because I could use the real life support now too. I just feel a bit lost at times, kinda like we all were in the first few months of this journey. Pull me in.
    Love you Mamas,

    Thursday, August 5, 2010

    So this is what sleep feels like

    For the past couple of nights the Twincesses and their 3 yr old brother have been sleeping through the night. I have not had a full 8 hours sleep in years since Xavier has always been a bad sleeper. Finally, though, they are all sleeping which means I'm sleeping and I feel like a new person!

    Wednesday, August 4, 2010

    Bundles of Joy

    Well here is one of the latest photos of the kids, I have to say I am not as good as Tina or Heather about posting pictures of my kids. I do have many to post but just never get around to doing it cause I have always resize in order to post; guess that what keeps me from doing it! This past year has been alot of fun, but I regret that due to PPD I missed out alot on their first few months. I was so depressed and overwhelmed having twins that I didn't take time to cherish alot of their "firsts" and we also were dealing with my husbands ex and his kids that life was just being sucked out of me. Now, I enjoy the kids alot more though they are at daycare for a good portion of the day, i think I now have a better hold on how to deal with them when they are home. I didn't want them to spend so much time away, but I am the one working and my husband who has been laid off since the kids were born decided to go back to school, so he needed time to study; thus the decision for daycare. I guess I feel guilty about it, after hearing about those that are SAHM (whom I admire) I wonder if I should not be doing the same thing, and will I regret later down the road missing out on stuff. Though as hectic as being a SAHM of twins can be, I do read alot of the adventures (good and bad) of those whom do have their kids all day, it's something they will remember about their children growing up.

    Anywho, I do have mixed emotions and I do know once my husband lands a decent job that I may decide to go back to school part-time as I want to do ultrasound technician; I think it would be a blast telling others they are going to have twins or more! I just hope in the end the kids will look back and know about the sacrafice we have made for them, and they don't hold a grudge having to have gone to daycare at such an early age; although they love going now, it's like BYE BYE Momma...we want to play! I look forward to reading the other posts here and having fun with fellow Twin Mama's!


    Thanks Tina, I can finally post on here. I will get some pictures up and come up with something crazy to blog about, shouldn't be hard as we are all mama's of twins; crazy is our middle names!

    Tuesday, August 3, 2010

    We are off and rolling...

    We are getting off to a slow but sure start!!!  I am so excited to see where this blog leads us, and can't wait to look back on this in a year or so.  In just the few stories we have added shows what we have all met to each other, and just how much of a bond we have all formed.  Today while on facebook, I saw some pictures posted from one of you, and I did a double take, I saw toddlers!!!  I hit me then it has been over a year since most of us started sharing our stories and support to each other, and our twins are no longer babies, then the sadness hit.  Why sadness?  I am so happy that I have had the opportunity to get to know all of you and your families, but this hit me as sad because we have all shared so much and we have all watched each others twins grow and experience their first year, but yet have never got to meet!  I can see all of our twins and all of us meeting in one grand and great looking group *smile*, I truly get goose bumps when I think of the reality of it.  What a spectacular site that would be all of us and our families together!!!  Well mamas this is my goal, and I am serious when I say I will put all my efforts into making this happen.  I will brainstorm and try to think of ways to make it happen, heck I will beg and tell sob stories to get our story out there and get somebody to help us make this happen!!

    The long road

    In December of 2008 I got the news that we would be expecting 2 babies instead of the one we had planned on. I spent the rest of my pregnancy trying to come to terms with this and on July 3rd, 2009 I delivered my beautiful twincesses Madison and Makenzie. Nothing I had experienced before could prepare me for the journey I was about to begin. After months of sleepless nights and crying for hours, me not the babies, I logged onto my computer searching for help. I was fortunate enough to come across Got Twins, a group of moms who are in all stages of twindom offering support to one another. Finally someone who understands, finally someone who has been there and most importantly finally someone who has survived which means I can too. When all of my friends hit the road because I was just too busy to hang out I always knew there would be someone I could relate to waiting on the other end of my computer. I have never met any of you in person but you are all now what I consider to be my greatest rock on stormy days. I know more about your family's, your children and your daily struggles than I do anyone in real life and I thank you all for being there in my darkest hours. I have survived the first year and am enjoying watching my little darlings morph into patience testing toddlers, and most importantly I am glad I have someone out there to appreciate when I post a bajillion pictures!

    Thursday, July 29, 2010

    Rough roads...

    There are so many challenges that come with being twin mama, and each stage or milestone brings a new one.  In the year that I have been talking and getting to know all you twin mamas,  and other twin mamas of Got Twins, I have heard many stories on how and when it gets easier.  Well I have a theory parenting and easy are like oil and water, no matter how hard you try they are not going together.  I thought the challenges of them being infants were hard, NO WAY do they even compare to the challenges of today!!!  Really the biggest challenge of the "survival year" was lack of sleep, now with them being toddlers (really did I just call them toddlers??? WOW time flies) things are just rough.  I get sleep, but they are all over getting into everything and destroying everything in their path.  The biggest challenge now is how to deal with it, how to make them be well behaved little cuties.  Frustration has been the emotion of the day, well the past few days, they are hitting, pinching, and just being a bit naughty, and I have no idea how to deal with it.  I do not want to spank them, and time outs are not even phasing them. *sigh*  I have no idea how they even learned to be such monsters and mean to each other, it just makes me sad to see them act so badly.  They can be sweet boys too, they do snuggle and love each other and mama too, and those are the moments that keep this mama going.  I know I can get through these phases just as I did when I was running on coffee and mama love when they were infants, I just see with my 11-year-old there are still such hard struggles to deal with and there is only one of him.  There have been long rough roads behind me and there are even rougher roads ahead, but the journey will be amazing and in the end I will always look back and say it was the hardest and most amazing trip of my life.  I can and will be the best mama I can possibly be!  This mama has three wonderful boys who try her patience and run her until she nearly drops, but she loves them with everything she has!

    Wednesday, July 28, 2010

    Paci for Dada

    After a long night of breast pumping, I was out cold. Nothing could possibly wake me up but a genuine burst of laughter made me wonder what happened. Now my husband, Chad, and I co-sleep (we have a few reasons but we cannot wait to get them into their own room which I am working on) and it has been quite an adventure to say the least. Well I hear Chad laugh and I slowly open my eyes and see that Elijah is awake and smiling.

    Apparently Elijah woke Chad up by touching his face and blowing raspberries at him. Chad wakes up and greets him. Elijah puts both hands on his Dada's face, turns back and sees his brother sleeping, rolls over an. d plucks the pacifier out of Liam's mouth, rolls back and shoves it into his Dada's mouth. Chad takes the pacifier out and Elijah grabs it again and puts it back into his mouth and hold his hands over it so his father could not spit it out.

    It amazes me how funny these boys are and how this is only the beginning. What a great way to start the day!

    Monday, July 26, 2010

    Brotherly Love

    Today David fell down and cut his lip open. While I was holding him, Erik came over and brought him a blanket. When David stopped crying, Erik gave him one of the trucks he was playing with, and they played together so happily. It's moments like these that make me feel so blessed to be a mother of twins.

    Friday, July 23, 2010

    I think it's just been one of those weeks...

    It's just been one of those weeks I think most of us could have done without some extra stress... We had our first trip to the ER with Dexter. We found out he's allergic to zucchini. Who's allergic to zucchini?! Well besides Dex I guess LOL Well now we know. I had to get one of my wisdom teeth pulled which meant I had to miss work one day, which means a smaller paycheck than what I already get. It's been super crappy on my days off too. I just want to be outside with my babies! I can't help but feel these are trivial to what some you of mamas are facing right now. Just sending the BIGGEST gosh darn group hug all your ways! {{{HUGS}}}

    Y Nora

    P.S. This is how we hug in the Eiring family...

    Sunday, July 18, 2010

    You All Are My Inspiration

    To my wonderful and amazing twin moms,
    I want to thank you for your support and friendship. Finding out that I was having twins was a complete shock to me and my husband. After being told by doctors and specialists that we would not be able to have children and then being blessed with two amazing boys was surreal.
    Before I became pregnant, I was slowly distancing myself from old friends. Once I became pregnant, all my "friendships" were gone. No one understood that having children meant to raise them and not allow them to be in daycare 24/7. No one understood what it meant to raise multiple children at the same time not even family, and then I met you wonderful women.
    You understand the struggles with twin infants, the stress, the joys, the fears, everything. I am so grateful to be given the chance to blog with all of you and have you get a peek into my life as I will with yours.
    I pray that we will meet soon.

    Friday, July 16, 2010

    Why I Love You Ladies!

    Dear Twin Mamas,

    I simply adore you! I cannot even really imagine where I would be with out finding my new peer group, the toughest women I know, all of you! One of the wonderful things about us is that despite our diversity as a group, we have these unique and shared experiences as Mothers. I know that you get me, and I get you too! That very fact has brought me a multitude of comfort in the most challenging time of my life. It is hard to become a Mother, and it is damn hard to become a Mother to two at once, but since connecting with you, I have never felt alone in my journey. Not only are we a dynamic group of women, but our children are going to rock the world someday. I have always loved children and getting to know your beautiful twins just brings joy to my days. I love watching all of them grow up and I often feel like they are missing out on the benefit of knowing each other too. I wish that we were a way for our twins to interact and become the best of friends, just as we are doing. Thank you for everything!

    I love you ladies,
    I would like to thank all of my fellow twin mamas for the support for the last (almost) 8 months... without you ladies I would prolly spend most of my time at home being scare/terrified to leave the house with twinfants. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
    Today we all took a nice little day trip to Door County. It's the peninsula of Wisconsin. Famous for cherries and apples and cutesy little harbor towns. It was a long drive about 2 hours one way but we made it. We got lots of people that stared at us and lots that asked questions... you know the same 'ol routine you get when you're out. It was fun though because today I didn't mind the questions because it was a relaxing day and we had 2 VERY happy babies. I love looking in the mirrors to see my happy little ones. We have been very lucky that the twinners travel well. I think that has to do to the fact once we were able to leave the house (damn RSV season!) we did. They enjoy the time in their car seats and rock out with my husband and me.

    We didn't spend as much time in Door County as we would have liked but it was worth it. Nothing can beat having purple stained lips and fingers from freshly picked sweet cherries :) While we were driving my husband, Dusty, and I were talking about what we would like to do with the twinners as they get older. I told him that I think it is important for them to get out and see the world around them. I've told him of my many travels as a kid as well as adult and how much I LOVED it, his family didn't travel at all and he wished they had. We decided that day trips around our beautiful state are a good start. I'm very excited and I know Dusty is as well! We never know what's going to happen to the nature around us (ie. like the oil that was gushing into the gulf) and our children need to see the true beauty of Mother Nature before it's too late. So Wisconsin State Parks here we come! Thank you mamas for getting our butts out there!
    Y Nora